"SMS Jokes"

ATTY: “gaano katagal kang ni-rape ng nasasakdal?”
Maui: “mga 5 oras po!”
ATTY: “5 oras kang ginahasa?!”
Maui: ”kasama na po kasi yung foreplay dun. Pagkatapos yosi-yosi pa kami, kwentuhan, ganun!”

Restaurant sa Ongpin…

Customer1: “Hot tea.”
Customer2: “Ako rin hot tea. Make sure malinis baso.”

after a while…

Waiter: “Ang order nyo 2 hot tea. Kanino nga ung malinis na baso?”‘

Hirit of the Day

“Baril ka ba?
…baka pwedeng pakalabit sayo.
…kahit isang putok lang.”‘

“ang tawag sa nag-gagawa ng tubo, tubero.
kumukuha ng basura, basurero.
ang mahilig sa gimik, gimikero.
mahilig s babae, babaero.

eh, ano ang tawag sa laging nasa kanto?!”

TAMBAY lng!

TAMBAY! wag kang mag imbento jan!

Mag-BF na nag-aaway:
Girl: “gag0!”
B0y: ”gag0 ka din!”
Girl: “tarantad0!”
B0y: “tarantad0 ka din!”
Girl: ”sup0t!”
B0y: “eh ee…naman eh! Sori na kasi.”

JUDGE: “hinawakan mo ba ang hita ng babaeng ito?”
NG0NG0: “hini po, hini po ur honor…”
JUDGE: “PILOSOPO!! Hinawakan, hinipo, parehas lang yon!! GUILTY!!”.

Kabayo: “Tulungan mo ako isa akong prinsipe. Ako’y isinumpa.”
Dalaga: ”Kung hahalikan ba kita magiging tao ka?”
Kabayo: “sadyang malakas ang sumpa kelangan ay. . .”chupa”.”

Anak: “‘Tay! ‘tay!, bakit yung titi ng classmate ko eh parang sampalok?”
Tatay: ”hahaha, hahaha!” Bakit? Maliit ba?”
Anak: “hindi! eh kasi ang…ASIM!!”

Lady: “Hello! Police station? A man has enterd my house and he is raping me right nnnoowww.. , Caan yooouu ooooohh aaaaah ummmh ahhreestt himm. toommmorrow?!”

Old man having sex with young girl..
Tanda: In the Autumn of my life, there is Summer in my heart.
Girl: If you don’t put some Spring in your action, we will be here all WINTER!

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.
‘Certainly, sir,’ replied the lady behind the counter, ’shall I put them on your Bill?
‘NO WAY!’ replied Donald Duck, ‘What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!’

The blondes at a college were tired of not fitting in. So they pressed the school to set up a new department for them and had their way with the Blonde Education Department. The blondes were ecstatic, that they all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the department which says, ‘I belong in B.E.D.’

I thought my life is lonely till I saw a man with no arms but happily shakes his body.
I asked him: “You don’t have arms, why are you! so happy?”
He answered: “di ako happy, makati lang itlog ko!”

Teacher: “An0 ang ating pambansang hayup? Nagsisimula sa letter K!”
Student: “kut0?”
Teacher: ”n0, nagtatap0s sa letter W!”
Student: “kut0w?”
Teacher: ”mali, may sungay ‘t0.”
Student: ”DEMONYONG KUTOW?”
Teacher: “get out!”

Tanong: Alin ang mas mabigat? Ang titi ng tao o ang titi ng kabayo?
Sagot: Ang titi ng tao! Kasi pag umiihi ito, hinahawakan pa. Sa kabayo hindi na..!

A judge interviewing a woman regarding her divorce, “What are the grounds for ur divorce?”

She replied, “About 4 acres & a nice little home on the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what’s the foundation of this case?”

“It is concrete, brick & mortar,” she responded.

“I mean” he continued, “What are ur relations like?”

“I have an aunt & uncle living here in town, & my husband’s parents.”
“Pls,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son & daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music tho.” “Ma’am, does ur husband ever beat u up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, thejudge askd, “Lady, why do u want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce. I never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate w/ me.”

Two politicians were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, ‘What about the powerful interest that controls you?’

And the other guy screamed back, ‘You leave my wife out of this!’

Pacman: “Doc, may insomnia po ako.. Paano ba ako makakatulog ng mahimbing?”
Doctor: “Bakit di mo subukan magbilang kapag nakahiga kana?”
Pacman: “Doc naman!Alam nyo naman boxer ako.. pagdating ng 9 napapatayo ako!”

“Hindi ko alam paano kung wala ka sa likod ko…
Pakiramdam ko lahat ng gagawin ko mali,
ang masama pa wala ka para itama uun..” -lapis na walang pambura, nag e-emote.

Man to his psychiatrist…

‘My boss says I am being replaced by a machìne! Funny, that’s what my wife says.’

Hilary Clinton goes to new doc for an exam & he finds that she has crabs. He thinks to himself how he’s going to tell the Secretary of State. He tells her to get dressed & meet him back in hìs office.

He tells her she has Nixon’s Disease. She says, ‘Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?’

He replies, ‘Well, Secretary Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you’ve got bugs in your oval office.’

BISITA: “Sarap ang luto ng Misis mo!”
ERAP: “Kasi mayroon siyang ‘URINARY SKILLS.’”

A man walks into his doc’s clinic. While waiting, an acquaintance walks in & sits besides him.

Newcomer: “Wwwhat are yyyou dd doing here?”
Man: “I am waiting to see the doc.”
Newcomer: “Wwwhy dddo yyyou wwwant to sssee hhhim?”
Man: “I have a prostate problem.”
Newcomer: “A ppprostate ppproblem, wwhat’s tthat?”
Man: “Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk.”

Mike Arroyo is a great supporter of sports. In fact he will introduce a new sport.

It is called “Heavyweight Kickbacking”.

Quote of the Day:

“Ang buhay ko ay parang isang masarap na sauce…maraming nakikisawsaw!”