"SMS Jokes"

Ang alamat ng kandila:
Wife: “delayed ako 1month sa menstruation! Pero wag mo pagsabi nahihiya ako”
Husband: “ok”
(next day dumating taga MERALCO)
Meralco: “mam delayed po kayo ng 1month”
Wife: “pano mo nalaman?”
Meralco: “nasa record po.”
Husband: “aba! Bakit naka-record dyan na delayed mrs ko?!”
Meralco: “kung gusto nyo mawala sa record, magbayad po kayo.”
Husband: “eh kung ayoko magbayad?”
Meralco: ‘eh di puputulan kayo!”
Husband: “tarantado ka pala eh! Anong gagamitin ni mrs?”
Meralco: “pede naman po sya gumamit ng KANDILA.”

“HAnda akong ibiGay ang iniT ng katawAn na ninanais m0 at sisiguraduhin ko na hindi ka makakatul0g kaPag natikmAn m0 k0!” -kape

Bahay kubo revival!
Handa, awit!

Bahay bata,
kahit munti,
pumapasok doon
ay galit na ari.

Sintigas ng talong, pnadasdas sa mani.
Hìkaw naiwan sa ari…bundol, patulak, upö at tayö pa.
At saka meron pa, patuwad sa mesa!
Sibuyas at sili, pandagdag ng gana.
Ang mga gilagid ay bulbol ang tinga!
Ole!

Sa botica:
Customer: (pabulong) ‘Day, isang condom nga…
Saleslady: “Sayz sir!”
Customer: (nahihiya) “Small lang. He he he…”
Saleslady: “Hende sir… Sa-iz pisos ang isa!”

MISIS: “san ka punta, hon?”
MISTER: “sa bar inom lang beer.”
MISIS: “eto beer oh.”
MISTER: “gusto ko sa bar, malamig.”
MISIS: “eto meron dito ice, hon. “
MISTER: pero masarap ‘pulutan sa bar.”
MISIS: “Eto nagluto ako!”
MISTER: “sa bar may konting biruan, murahan. “
MISIS: “gusto mo murahan? TANGINA MO! ETO INUMIN MO TONG PUTANG INANG BEER SA MALAMIG NA BWAKANG INANG BASO NA TO, KAININ MO YANG PUKI NG INANG PULUTAN NA YAN DAHiL DI KA LALABAS NG BAHAY! TANG INANG TO!”

Thought of the Day:

“Masakit mahalin ang taong di ka na mahal.. nakakapag0d lang umasa.. pero may mas sasakit pa ba, pag tumama yung pepe mo sa kanto ng mesa?”

gusto mo ng pulutan? wahhahahaha ok to a.

A gorgeous lady was sitting in a bar:

Guy: “Hi der!”

The lady ignored him.

Guy: “U caught my attention as I entered the bar, is it ok if I get your number?”

Lady: “if you have a BMW, a house in Boracay, A million peso bank acount & a 7-inch penis, then u can get my number. But I guess u don’t have them. So d answer is NO!”

Guy: “I dont have all of those. I just have a Ferrari, an Island, a Billion-dollar bank account. And excuse me! i won’t cut my penis 3 inches short just for your number.

Anak: “itay ano sa english ang utot?”
Itay: “wind of change”
anak:e “yung utot na walang tunog?”
Itay: “sound of silence”
anak: “yung utot na me dalang ebak?”
Itay: “dust in d wind”
anak: “e yung di snasadyang utot?”
Itay: “yan ang careless whisper!”
Anak: “yung utot na nakalabas kahit pinigilan?”
Itay: “yan ang pborito ko! UNCHAINED MELODY!”

A gorgeous lady was sitting in a bar:

Guy: “Hi der!”

The lady ignored him.

Guy: “U caught my attention as I entered the bar, is it ok if I get your number?”

Lady: “if you have a BMW, a house in Boracay, A million peso bank acount & a 7-inch penis, then u can get my number. But I guess u don’t have them. So d answer is NO!”

Guy: “I dont have all of those. I just have a Ferrari, an Island, a Billion-dollar bank account. And excuse me! i won’t cut my penis 3 inches short just for your number.

Two couples decided to switch partners for the night...



after seven hours of rough sex....








1st person: mmmm I like it








2nd person: so do I..... pero..... kamusta na kaya mga misis natin?

PARE1: “Anong sabi ng misis mo nung umuwi ka kagabi na lasing na lasing?”

PARE2: “Tahimik lang siya. Hindi siya nagsalita habang binubugbog ako!!!”

BREAKING NEWS:
The Vatican has decided today that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don’t get in the habit.

Thought For The Day:

Reports showed that intellectuals don’t have much sex. You can use this data as justification for your life of celibacy.

A mother had been constantly showing her daughter how to do everything. It came to pass the girl got married.

Of course, the mother tagged along on the honeymoon. That night, the daughter was heard to say, ‘But, Mom, I’d rather do it myself!’

The Pentagon did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed.

Contrary to popular belief, loneliness has nothing to do with it. Once they are rotated back to the U.S. all their mothers-in-law were thousand of miles away.

A man was in a bar looking dejected that a friend walked over and asked what’s wrong..

MAN: (shaking his head)” It’s my mother-in-law. I have a real problem with her.”

FRIEND: “Cheer up! Everyone has problems with his mother-in-law.”

MAN: “Yeah, but not everybody gets her pregnant.”

Sen. Lito Lapid was shocked by d news that Lacson masterminded the Dacer twin murders.
Lapid was heard saying, “grabe nman siya! d na naawa sa kambal” .

NEWSFLASH:
Panic in Boracay as woman in cottage shouts “tsunami” in the middle of the night. Apparently, she was having sex w/her boyfriend asking, “CHEW NA ME!”

Banat of the Day
Girl: “baka naman malusaw ako nyan kakatitig mo.ü”
Boy: “ganun ba…parang ice cream?”
Girl: “Oo.. hihi.ü”
Boy: “lika nga dito…dilaan kita..”

Gintong Kasabihan:

Kapag tinanong ka ng mga maguLang mo kung anung napapaLa mu sa kakainom, sabihin mu lang sa kanila na…

“Hindi lahat ng bata sa mundo nakakaranas makatikim ng alak..”

FLIRT is d way to discover if someone
is attractd to u as well..

If u flirt & they dont flirt back..

Its safe to say
u shud move on..

to ur next victim! hehe!

A hand on a hot stove - for a minute.. Seems like an hour..!
Two hands on a womans Boobs - for an hour.. Seems like a minute..!
That’s the THEORY OF RELATIVITY

TANONG: “Anong matigas na “T” ang itinutusok sa malambot na ”P” ?”
SAGOT: “Tinidor sa Puto.”
Maaga pa sex na iniisip mo. Kain ka. Gutom ka lang.

ANAK: “Inay, meron pong bombay na naghahanap sa inyo.”
INAY: “Sabihin mo wala ako.”
ANAK: “Inay, masama raw po ang magsinungaling, sabi ng teacher ko.”
INAY: “Pwes sabihin mo sa titser mo na siya ang magbayad ng utang ko!”