"SMS Jokes"

A drunk enters a Baptist church. He lined up behind a queue of people. When it was his turn, he found himself in a baptismal pool!
The minister dunked his head into the water & pulls it out, asking, “Have you found Jeeesus!”
“Nope” splutters the drunk.
The minister dunks him a much longer time then pulls him out & again asked, “Have you found Jeeesus!”
The drunk gasped, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?

As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers’ lane, she sighed romantically, ‘It’s lovely out here tonight. Just listen to the crickets.’

‘Those aren’t crickets,’ her date replied. ‘They’re zippers!’

“Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.” - PR0VERBS 31:6-7

‘yan na oh. nakasaad na sa bible. alak para sa mga problemado.

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6. Determine why you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.

The Philippines has been dislodged by Indonesia and Thailand as the most corrupt economy according to the March 2009 survey by the Political and Risk Consultancy. Six nations are now perceived to be more corrupt than the Philippines. That’s what happens when the First Gentleman ‘underperforms.’

Sa isang beerhouse…

GRO: “Pogi, umorder ka na. Nagugutom na ako!”
CUSTOMER: “Waiter!”
WAITER: “Ano’ng order nyo, sir?”
CUSTOMER: “Palitan mo ang babaeng ‘to! Nagugutom daw sya!”

Inday may nakabanggang bading:

Inday: “How dare you ignorant road occupant, moving w/ such acceleration that cause elastic collision between my porcelain beauty and your grubby apparency of skin!”
Bading: “Bombalesh kang muchacha ka! Kenshulares mo makemer ang skin kong beauty! Never mo matorbokels ang feslak ketch kung ayaw mer makondrak kta. Hala. Chupi!”
Inday: (nosebleed)

taub!

A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. He was captured when his get-away van ran out of gas. When asked how he masterminded such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error…

…He replied, ‘I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH..’

A speeding sports car trailed by a mobile patrol took time before it stopped in a roadside.

POLICE: Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes & today is Friday. I don’t want to go thru the hassle of paperwork. So, if you can give me any reason that I’ve never heard before why you were speeding, I’ll let you go.
DRIVER: Years ago my wife ran off with a mobile police officer, & I thought you were bringing her back.
POLICE: You are free to go Sir. Gud day.

Despite the serious shortage of priests, the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines has rejected the idea of accepting gay applicants to the priesthood. Asked why, a CBCP official said, ‘Heller! Gusto mong ma-imbyerna ang Papa?!’

A drunk man rode a bus & sat beside a priest. His shirt was stained, his face full of lipstick marks, & had a half empty bottle of scotch in his hand. As he read his newspaper, he asked the priest: Father, what causes arthritis?
PRIEST: Mister, it’s caused by leading a wild life cavorting with women, too much alcohol & indulging in other forms of vice.
DRUNK: Imagine that! It says in this paper that the Pope has arthritis!

A drunk man in a bar tells the bartender that he can fart out the tune of the Star Spangled Banner!
Everyone who heard this wants to see him do it. So he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and dumps a massive load on the bar counter.
After he finishes, the angry bartender asks, ‘Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?’
The drunk replies, ‘Even Elvis has to clear his throat!’

Hating Unggoy:

UNGGOY1: hahatiin natin yung saging sa 3 ha!
UNGGOY2: bakit 3? e, 2 lang tayo!
UNGGOY1: gusto mo mamatay! e, yang si MIKE Arroyo. hihingi sigurado?

Sa ospital, nagfifill-up si lola ng medical record

Lola: magtanong na nga iha, ano ba ilalagay dine sa status?
Nurse: ahmm may asawa po ba kayo lola?
Lola: meron.
Nurse: married na lang lagay mo ‘la.
Lola: hindi naman kami kasal eh, flirt flirt lang yun..
Nurse: Hmmnn cge lagay nyo na lang po single.
Lola: pero nagsecret marriage kasi kami dati sa brgy..
Nurse: ahmmm..Cge po..lagay nyo na lang..
“It’s complicated”..

Pacquiao: Are u depressed?
Bishop: No. Am happy.
Pacquiao: U look depressd.
Bishop: No. Am happy because its easter!
Pacquiao: Ur in white. U must be depressed.
Bishop: White? Ahh yes. I am…. the priest!
Pacquiao: Dats wat i mint.

Two Priests went to Boracay for a vacati0n. They wore trunks so they can fit-in. While sun bathing, a very sexy girl n a T-Back Bikini walked by & said, “Hi Fathers!” they were amazed. The next day they changed outfits & the same girl greeted them again.

The priests asked, “How did you know we are Priests?” The girl replied. “Hellooow?! Father it’s me, Sister Agnes po!!!” ü:-)

LOLO: ano kaya ibalik natin ang nakaraan nung bago pa lang tayo magsyota?
LOLA: o cge
LOLO: cge bukas dun tayo magkita sa dati nating tag-puan ha!
LOLA: oo hintayin mo na lang ako dun.
Naghintay si lolo sa may tabing ilog dala ang 3 rosas w/ chocolate. Maghapon si lolo naghintay ngunit walang dumating. Kaya umuwi na lang siya. Pagdating sa bahay nadatnan si lola nakahiga at tumatawa.
LOLO: bakit di mo ko sinipot?
LOLA: di ako pinayagan ni mommy!!

DAD: Laki ng PLDT bills dito sa bahay. i don’t use this phone naman, i use my office phone.
MOM: Same here. I use my work phone.
SON: Me too, i use my company phone.
INDAY: So what’s the problem? We all use the phone in our work, di ba?

“sa akin ka nga nakahawak ng mahigpit, sa kanya ka naman nakatitig.” -mouse nagseselos sa m0nitor!

GIRL: itay nagbold po ako sa magasin. Nasa page 10 picture ko.
ITAY: Kinakahiya kita! Sa palagay m0 ba may mas nakakahiya pa sa ginawa mo?
Girl: meron pa po tay, si inay nasa page 16..!

A British explorer is in deep jungle that no Westerner had ever reached. Early one morning, he arrives at a lake & sees a handsome dark young man swimming across. When he got to shore & stood up the explorer was amazed at the size of his penis - the longest and fattest he had ever seen.

He told his guide,

“Ask him how his penis got to be that size.”

Guide talks to the man who got very agitated.

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant.”He said, ‘Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water too?‘”

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting & couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life & give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again & said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Man goes to see a shrink to complain about his girlfriend, ‘My Esther will stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky desires and bottomless sexual cravings. What can I do?’

The shrink says, ‘Tell her to make an appointment with me immediately.’

Eye expressions:
o_o : Awake
-_- : Sleepy
ø_ø : teary
?_? : flirty
¤_¤ : shockd
@_@ : dizzy
$_$ $_$ $_$ $_$ : mata ng 1st family

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, ‘Punctuate the following sentence: fun fun fun worry worry worry’
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, ‘Let’s see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry.’