"SMS Jokes"

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

School Dictionary:

ABSENT-protest to a lousy teacher
ALLOWANCE-force that motivates you to go to school
BALLPEN-bestseller of the b0okstore
BONUS- the key to pass the exam
I.D-alternative ruler to draw a straight line
LATE-hapens wen the teacher arrives earLier than expcted
STUDYING-causes sLeepineS faster that sLeeping pills
UNIFORM-where you wipe your wet hands after going to CR
CLINIC-home of actor & actreses
CHALK-throwabLe weapon of an angry teacher
TOMORROW-deadLine

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

waNt a LoVEr?

NURSE: can cURE a heartbroken & cAre for you
MASCOM: who can sPEAkouT the Love
LAWYER: who can juStify the Love
PMA: who can protect the love
ENGINEER: who caN mEASUre, dESign & buiLD LUv to a bETter one
EDUC: caN teaCH you hOw to move oN & Love agEN
Eto maS astiG…
HRM: who caN maNAge to givE the bEST taSTe oF Love
kasO may epaL..
Com.Sci:It Can eASLy sHUtdwn youR eX, format youR FUtURE & REstaRT yoUr LoveLife…
KasO nag-iiwAN ng viRUS.

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

NOON:
‘di lahat ng magsyota naghahalikan’
NGAYON:
‘di lahat ng naghahalikan ay magsyota’

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

“Wag msyadong ipakita ang kaseksihan o pagiging hot dahil nakakadagdag lang ito sa init ng panahon.”
Help save the world from global warming!

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

“If the sun had not been made…Ako sana ang hottest thing ever created…
i hate the sun!”

-effect ng s0brang init.

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

A GMA executive has sued talent manager Annabelle Rama for libel.

The official also asked the court to order the Bureau of Food and Drugs to test Rama’s mouth for ’salmonella’ dahil sobrang dumi ang lumalabas dito.

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

POL: “Alam mo yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, di kinakain!”
JUN: “Ows?”
POL: Totoo!”
JUN: “Ano ba ulam nyo?”
POL: “Asin”

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Healing Session..

Priest: “Put ur hand on the part that needs healing.”
Wife puts hand on hubby’s Penis.
Priest: “My child, I said Healing, not Resurrection of the dead!”

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Congress plans to stage a senakulo on Good Friday.
But they have a huge problem.
The play requires only two thieves…
there are 238 of them.

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

A week after hearing a homily on Psalm 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets), a man wrote a letter to BIR:

‘I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my taxes. I understated my sales, and have enclosed several postal money orders for 30 thousand pesos..

If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.’

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Staunch supporters of Pampanga Governor, Among Ed, rejected PGMA’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in the sinakulo at the kapitolyo.

Asked why, they said, ‘It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?’

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Loren Legarda will be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senakulo organizers have invited her.
She’s the unanimous choice to play…
MARY MAGDALENE!

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Holy Week News:

1. In Tarlac, the Aquino family has chosen Noynoy to be the virgin in a senakulo at Hacienda Luisita, and Kris has been asked to read the seven last words. The queen of talk shows gripes, ‘Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?! Can I just explain each?!’
2. In Cavite, Ping has been chosen as Pontius Pilate. When the crowd shouted, ‘Crucify him!‘ Ping demurred, ‘Nah, that’s time consuming! Shoot him!’
3. In Subic, under fire for meddling in the Sulu crisis, Dick refused to take any major role in the senakulo, instead he joined the group of ‘extras’… a group of weeping women.
4. In Cubao, to fulfil his Lenten ‘panata’, Mar made the Visita Iglesia…in a pedicab!

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Breaking news!
This just came in!
Oil companies are hiking pump prices this week…
in observance of…
‘MAHAL na Araw.’

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

PGMA’s 7 Last Words:.

7. Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.
6. Sinabi ko sa’yo Mike: Ngayon din isasama kita sa aking self-exile.
5. Mga anak (sa mga Pinoy).. Ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!
4. Iggy, Mikey, lama sabacthani? (translation: mga kaalyado sa kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?)
3. Natatakot ako!
2. Naganap na! (ang election sa 2010 at may bagong pangulo na!)
1. Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Juan: “Bago pintura bubong mo!
Pedro: “advise ni Fr Jose sa Misa kahapon eh!.”
Juan: “ano ba sabi ni Father?”
Pedro: “Sabi nya sa Misa, “REPENT! REPENT!”

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

‘Pitong katutuhanan sa mundo..

1st-mata mo lang ang di m0 kaya’ng sabonan..
2nd-di mo kaya’ng bilangin buhok mo!
3rd- di lahat ng ngipin mo ay abot ng dila mo..’
4th- susubukan ng mga tanga ang pangatlo.,
5th-inicip mUng abot pala ng dila mo lahat ng ngipin m0,’ nung Sinubukan mo.!
6th- napapangiti ka kasi nagmUkha kang tanga.
7th- ipapasa m0 sa iba para mka ganti ka.!’!..

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

JUAN: “kape nga, w/milk.”
WAITER: “10 pesos sir.”
JUAN: “8 lang kahapon.”
Waiter: “tumaas kasi ang presyo ng gasolina sir.”
JUAN: “wag mo ng lagyan ng gasolina! Punyeta!”

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Husband:”sabi mo lagi tayo magsasama kahit anong mangyari, now baon ako sa utang iiwan mo ko?”
Wife:”di ba promise ko till DEBT do us part.” ü

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Spouses viewing the body of his mom-in-law at the funeral parlor. As he began to weep, his wife slapped him “why are you crying, you never liked my mom”

Husband: “I thought i saw her move!”

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Nang malaman ni ex-Senator Sonny Osmena na nagre-recruit si SC Chief Justice Reynato Puno ng mga miyembro para sa 8-man group ng ‘Moral Force Movement,’ sabi niya…

‘Moral Force?! Sounds exciting without the M!’

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Tumigil ang engine ng eroplano nina Erap at Jinggoy kaya binigyan sila tig-isang parachute para makatalon palabas.

Tumalon si Erap at bumukas agad ang kanyang parachute.
Sumunod si Jinggoy, pero butas ang parachute niya kaya bumulusok pababa.
Nakita ni Erap ito at sumigaw siya: ‘Karera pala ang gusto mo ha? Teka!’, sabay alis ni Erap ng suot niyang parachute para maunahan si Jinggoy!

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Holy Week is over. You know what that means?

After cleansing their souls, our senators and congressman will be back again soon to dirty themselves in preparation for next year’s Lent…

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

Bakit ang mga lalaki, gustong matikman muna ang babae bago pakasalan?
Dahil… it pays to check the label.
Malay mo, expired na!

Posts : 871 Join date : 2008-12-15 Age : 33

PATIENT: “Doctor, I’m having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick in the stomach.”

DOCTOR: “Hmmm, that does sounds serious. Let me see it.”

Patient sticks out his tongue….

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