"SMS Jokes"

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, ‘Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?’
‘No,‘ says Carlos.
Armando asks, ‘Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?’
‘No,’ says Carlos.
‘Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?’
‘Caramba! No, amigo!’ replied Carlos.
‘Theen tell me why,’ asked Armando, ‘do you keep screwing my wife?’

A man met his friend wearing a neckbrace. He asked his mate what happened.

He replied, ‘Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough. Then I met a chick looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it, and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, ‘Lady, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver.’

Pasyente: Doc, mgkano ang magpabunot?
Dentist: P300.
Pasyente: Mahal. Walang mura mura dyan?
Dentist: Kung walang anesthesia, P200.
Pasyente: Mas mababa pa dyan doc.
Dentist: Diretsong bunot, gamit ang pliers P100.
Pasyente: Last price na lang talaga doc.
Dentist: Oh cge. estudyante ang magbubunot P50.
Pasyente: Oki doki. Paki schedule ang Mrs ko bukas doc!

Mar explaining his TV commercial:

‘Never pa akong nakasakay sa pedicab. Pero nang sabihin ng aking PR agency na kailangan kong sumakay dito for a TV ad, na-excite po ako. Imagine po nyo, apo ng isang dating presidente, dating DTI secretary at congressman, at ngayon, ay senador, sasakay ng padyak?! Hindi ko yata keri! Pero nagbago isip ko nang sabihin ng future wife ko, ‘Mar, handa ka na ba? You need to do this.. para kagatin ka ng masa.. Go ahead, honey, padyak your way to the palace!’

QUOTABLE QUOTE:

‘Mar Roxas po.. dating palengkero, ngayon, pedicab driver na. Kapag di pa ko pumasok sa top 5 sa susunod na survey.. baka subukan ko naman ang ibang trabaho: street sweeper, construction worker, traffic enforcer, caregiver o kahit macho dancer. Bahala na. Basta ‘wag n’yong kakalimutan.. sama-sama tayo. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo. At lahat nang ginagawa ko para sa bayan.’

Erap has bared the names of the opposition’s potential bets in the 2010 senatorial elections.
Liberal Party’s Mar Roxas II has also revealed his party’s three possible senatorial bets. Asked why he picked only 3, he said, ‘Bakit? Kasya po ba ang labindalawa sa pedicab?’

For helping Ted Failon Etong, Justiis Secretary Raul Gonzales says PAO Chief Persida Rueda-Acosta is crazy.
He should know… He’s her counterpart.

ETONG SA’YO:

Investigators say Ted Failon Etong’s wife sustained a gunshot wound to her head. When Senator Lapid heard this, he said, ‘Gunshot wound?! Grabe naman! Na-recover ba ang patalim?’

The White House has a new pet! Sen. Ted Kennedy gave a Portuguese water dog to the Obamas.
That’s nothing…
Malacanang has its own lucky bitch since 2001!

Another Though For The Day:

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance…
baffle them with bullshit.
(Dedicated ito sa mga politiko natin!)

Kung nakukulitan ka sa mga sales ladies na nagtatanong ng, ‘Ano po ang hinahanap nila?‘…
Pwes sabihin mo sa kanila, ‘pagmamahal at pang-unawa.’
Ewan ko na lang kung kukulitin ka pa nila.

When a person tells you, “ang ganda/gwapo mo!”
It’s good to answer with, “Thank you… sana ikaw din..”

Th0ught Of The Day:

“Di baleng Wala kang tul0g…Kesa naman wala kang gising.”

EXPAND your Pinoy style vocabulary:
CONTEMPLATE - kulang ang plato
PUNCTUATION - pera para pang enroll
ICE BUKO - ayos na buhok ko?
CALCULATOR -tawagan kita mamaya
TENACIOUS - sapatos pang tennis
DEVASTATION -yung station ng bus
DEDICATE - patay ang pusa
ASPECT -pantusok ng yelo
DEDUCT - ang pato
PERSUADING - unang kasal
DEPRESS - nagkasal sa persuading
CITY - numiru bago mag utso
STATUE - ikaw ba yan?
ISSUE - ikaw nga!!!

Teacher: “class, our lesson for today is about planets. Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun. Now, what’s next to Mercury? “
Pedro: ”… parang watsons drugstore sir!”

Bakit ang Pinoy, hindi tama sumagot maski maayos ang tanong?
1. Kumain ka na? - Busog pa ako
2. Nandyan ba nanay mo? - Bakit po?
3. Anong oras klase mo? - Mamaya
4. Saan kayo galing? - Lumabas lang kami
5. Paano mo ginawa yan? -Madali lang
6. Bakit wala ka kahapon? -Absent ako
7. Anong oras na? -Maaga pa!
And my favorite:
8. Saan ka na? -Malapit na ako, wait lang!

ERNIE: Doc, I think my wife is getting deaf!
DOC: Go home, stand about 15 feet from her, say something. If she doesn’t reply, move 5 ft. closer to know the degree of her deafness.
ERNIE: Lilia, what’s for lunch? (no reply until he was 1 foot from her).
LILIA: For the 4th time, tinola!

Flight Attendant’s comment over the PA system on a less than perfect landing:

‘We request you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal building.’

A lola having her way of the cross inside the church.

lalake: lola, baliktad po ata ang way of d cross nyo?
lola: ha? Tama to iho!
lalake: mali po, dapat po sa 1st station kayo magsimula hndi sa 14th station!
lola: ganun ba? Kaya pala palakas ng palakas si kristo!

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his painting exhibits.

‘I have good news and bad news,’ the owner replied. ’The good news is that a gent inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all of your paintings.’
‘That’s wonderful,’ the artist exclaimed. ’What’s the bad news?’
‘The guy was your doctor.’

A little town had a high birth rate that attracted the attention of sociologists at the nearby state university. They asked for and got a huge study grant for the phenomenon.

As the staff was getting ready for their big research effort, the project director went to the local pharmacist for a cup of coffee. While drinking it, he told the pharmacist what his purpose was in town. The pharmacist replied,’Every morning the 6 o’clock train comes through here and blows its horn for the crossing. it wakes everyone up, and, well, it’s too late to go to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.’

‘Bata pa lang ako inambisyon ko nang yumaman. Kaya nagsikap po ako. Tiniis ko ang buhay bilang tindero ng isda sa Divisoria hanggang sa makaipon at makapag-aral sa UP. Sa UP, nakilala ko ang ubod nang yaman si Cynthia Aguilar. Nagtiyaga ako sa panliligaw kay Cynthia, hanggang di kalaunan naging mag-asawa kami.

Dahil sa ibayo pang sipag at tiyaga at sa tulong na rin ng pamilya Aguilar, napalago ko ang sarili naming negosyo. Kaya ngayon, eto, nakahiga kami sa limpak-limpak na salapi. Kaya’t sa darating na eleksyon, gusto kong mabawasan naman kahit konti ang aming kayamanan. Ipapamahagi namin ito sa mga nagangailangan. Sana, isa ka sa masuwerteng maambunan…’ -Manny Villar

SECRETARY: Sir, meron akong bad news.
BOSS: Ayokong makarinig ng bad news. Bigyan mo naman ako ng good news.
SECRETARY: Hinde pala kayo BAOG, Sir

Nanay: Haay, anak, sana maging kasing bait ka ng tatay mo…
Anak: Mabait ba Tatay ko?
Nanay: Aba oo…Di mo ba alam, dahil sa kabaitan, nabigyan siya ng parole!

Two old spinsters bought a farm and went to see a farmer about stocking it with chickens.
Timidly, they said they 500 hens and 500 roosters. The amazed farmer explained that 50 roosters would be sufficient for 500 hens.
Blushing, the elder spinster spoke up, ‘No, we want 500 hens and 500 roosters. We know what it means to be lonesome!’