"SMS Jokes"

A little boy was absent from school. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, ’Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.’ ‘How disgusting,’ said the teacher, ’I’m sure your father could have done that.”No, ma’am, he coudn’t have,’ said the tyke, ’It has to be the Bull.’

Girl came home from her date, tossed her coat over chair, threw her clothes around the bedroom without care.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time.
‘Oh,’ sighed the girl, ’I had a wonderful time.’
‘I thought as much,’ her mother remarked, ‘Your undies are still stuck to the ceiling!’

Man walked to a girl and said, ‘Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?’
SHE: Do you like sex?
HE: Of course I like sex.
SHE: Do you like to travel?
HE: Yeah, I love to travel.
SHE: Then fuck off.

Top 5 Suggested Campaign Slogans for Bro. Mike:

5. Tandaan ang pangalan: Bro. Mike po lamang. Iba po yung Bro. Eddie. Siya po yong talunan! Amen? Amen!
4. Mike Velarde: Kakampi ng militante. Sa Edsa man o sa Mendiola pwedeng mag-prayer rally!
3. Sundin ang Utos ni Yahweh… Iboto si Velarde!
2. Sa ikauunlad ng bayan… payong at panyo ang kailangan!
1. Pagkain para sa mahirap! Sisig, luglog at umaapaw pa!

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Richard Gordon’s Presidential Campaign T-Shirts:

5. The DICK everyone loves.
4. Wala sa size yan. Nasa performance. Just DICK it.
3. Big DICK. Sharp tongue. Iluklok sa Malacanang!
2. Laging buhay at nakasaludo: DICK sa pagka-pangulo!
1. Puwedeng pisilin. Puwedeng himasin. ‘Wag lamang gagalitin. That’s my DICK!

TITSER: Class, ilang araw na lang, college na kayo. Anong gusto nyong maging?
JUN: Ako, doktor.
MARK: Ako lawyer.
LEO: Ako, judge. Mataas pa sa lawyer.
POL: Ako, pari.
TITSER: Magaling. Ikaw, Bading, este, Badong?
BADONG: Santsupapa ang gusto ko!
TITSER: San Tsupa Pa? Anong San Tsupa Pa?
BADONG: Yung pinakamataas pa sa pari.
TITSER: Ahh… Santo Papa. Anak ka ng baka!

Our present world has so many problems that if Moses were 2 come down frm Mt. Sinai today, he would be carrying 2 tablets…

“PARACETAMOL & VALIUM”. Ü

Did you know..
That high heels were invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead..

Nauso ang kantang SINGLE LADIES…
dahil ang mga lalaki ay may mga boyfriend na! hehehe.

Question: What is a cannibal?
Answer: A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

An old man and old woman got married and went to their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina.
The old man says I hope so, you don’t have cute tits.

BELO THE BELT:

‘If you want to look like Piolo Pascual or Dingdong Dantes, stay with Belo… but if you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan.’ - Dr. Vicki Belo

Amid the continuing ‘road to nowhere’ controversy, Sen. Manny Villar denied that he was behind a new religious cult that calls itself, ‘ANG BAGONG DAAN.’

Sen. Lapid couldn’t understand why the media is opposing the Right of Reply bill.
The gentleman from Pampanga believes that everyone has the right to reply… as long as ‘meron siyang load!‘

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
HE: How am I doing?
SHE: Three knots.
HE: Huh? What’s that mean?
SHE: You’re NOT hard, you’re NOT in, and you’re NOT getting your money back.

The next morning, On a flight 2 cebu, Juan sat beside a sexy lady reading a book on Sexual Statistics:
JUAN: dats an interesting buk.
SEXY: Yes! It says dat among ethnicman wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His dick is gone, his leg is broken and he has no heath insurance…..groups, Muslims hav d biggest penis size & Batangueños d longest. by d way im jiLL.. u?
JUAN: I‘m Hadji Akmad from Batangas!

Bro. Eddie V., who’s running again for President next year wants Gov. Among Ed to be his running mate.
Bro. Eddie has reportedly come up with a possible slogan… ‘Todo na ito: Villanueva at Panlilio! Ang hindi bumuto…
diretso sa impiyerno!’ (nakakatakot!)

BINATA: Miss, manok ka ba?
DALAGA: Ha? Bakit?
BINATA: Limlimam mo naman yung itlog ko, o… please?

Pulubi1: Pssst, pare pautang naman ng rugby o. Bayaran kita pag marami akong nakuhang limos.
Pulubi2: Sensya na pare, nagbagong buhay na ako. Solmux na ang sinisinghot ko ngayon!

BELLA: I know what you are…
EDWARD: Say it, say it aloud…
BELLA: Bading! Bading! Puro foundation ka sa mukha, tapos ngayon, may glitters ka pa sa katawan?!

A man comes home and hears hard female noises, walks inside to find his wife on living room floor naked. Wife yells, ‘Help, help, I am having a heart attack!’ Man runs to the other room to call the doc when one of his kids run up to him and says, ‘Dad, Dad, there’s a naked man in the closet!’ Man opens the closet to find his friend Bob. He yells, ‘Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are scaring the kids!!!’

Two Polish guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding..
“I’m not sure if my bride-to-be, is a virgin or not.”
His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that.
All you need is some red paint, some blue paint & a shovel.
You paint ur balls 1 red & 1 ball blue.
On ur honeymoon, if she laughs & says, “Those are d funniest balls I’ve ever seen!”, you hit her w/ d shovel & bury her!

JUDGE: “Before we begin the trial, I have an announcement to make. The defense lawyer has paid me P150,000 to swing the case in his favor, and plaintiff’s lawyer has paid me P100,000 to rule in his favor. So in order to be fair, I am going t0 return the P50,000 to the defense. Ok, let’s proceed!”

Girl went to a ‘dude ranch’ on a vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wants a Western or English saddle. Girl asked what the difference was.
‘Well, one has a horn and the other doesn’t.!
‘Just get the one without the horn. I don’t think we’ll run into too much traffic here.’

‘Mahal kita at lahat gagawin ko para sayo!’
Asus, luma na yan,eto ang bago…
‘If you love somebody, give your body!’
Sabi nga nila, ‘Do you like me? Eat me, baby!’