"SMS Jokes"

A man went to his doctor to have a checkup. The doc said he has cancer of the dick. He went home, beat his wife, and shouted angrily, “I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!”

A Pole, an Italian, and a German, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

“Is it yours?” she asks the Italian.
“Certainly not,” he retorts.
“Yours?” she asks the Pole, who denies paternity.
“How about you?” she asks the German.
“Maybe,” he says glumly, “My wife burns everything!”

Magsyota in car –

BF: Swithart, ganda boobs mo. Pasuso naman.
GF: Hiya ako.
BF: Cge na!
GF: Mahirap me bra ako!
BF: Please?
GF: EAT mo na lang ako, wala akong panty!

Be aware of the Swine Flu symptoms:

1. Sore throat
2. Persistent headache
3. Nausea or upset stomach
4. Fever and…
5. Uncontrollable urge to make love in the mud.

MALALIM NA TANONG:

Bakit nga ba ang kwan ng lalaki kung kelan buhay na buhay, saka ililibing? Bakit ang kwan naman ng babae kung kelan basang basa, saka didiligan? Paki eksplika nga.

When someone asks a girl why her relationship with her ex didn’t panned out, she simply answered,"…religion… Hindi siya kasi marunong sumamba sa dyosa.!"

May oras na darating na kailangang palayain ang isang lalaki, di dahil ayaw mo na sa kanya, kundi alam mong mas sasaya siya kung hahayaan mo siyang magmahal sa kapwa nyang lalake.

Quote of the Day:

Sa English:
“I need inspiration, not commitment…”
Sa Tagalog:
“Kailangan ko ng gwapo, hindi boyfriend.”

The old man was saying to his doc, “You know, Doc, when I was young, it was hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little, and now I bend it a lot. Does that mean I’m getting stronger?”

“I’m finished with my girlfriend!” exclaimed a boy to his friend. “She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???”

“Say, how old are you anyway?” asked a man as a young lass was disrobing.
“13.” she replied with a shy smile. “13??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?” he thundered.
Pausing at the door as she left, the perflexed nymphet smiled and said, “Supertitious, huh?”

NOON:
Maraming babae ang hindi maganda.
NGAYON:
Maraming maganda pero hindi naman babae.

Be not afraid to loose or fail. No ocean is crossed til you sail. No battle won without a fight. No FUCK is good without a SUCK. Be strong. Have faith, lalabasan ka rin!

Doc: your sex operation is a success, you now have a pussy.
Gay: thank you, doc.
Doc: by the way here’s your dick, I figure since you are so ugly, you will need it to fuck yourself.

Girl1: Hi! It seems to me you are not feeling well today…
Girl2: Yes, I have a sore throat… It seems I will get ill.
Girl1: I know a very good cure for your throat. Every time I have sore throat, I blow my husband and the next day I feel great.
Girl2: Hmm, Ok.
The next day…
Girl1: Are you better today?
Girl2: (looking refreshed) I am fine, your idea was great… but your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!!

A man on wife’s b-day had no money so he sent a cheque written “100 kisses”. When he got home, his wife said, tnx for d cheque. I got it cashed from bank manager!

Kissing in the lips is great, but be sure you never close your eyes and not too long because you’ll encounter a strange feeling called “Lee Bog!”

Paano kung sinabihan ka ng crush mo na… “Alam mo tumataba ka, bumibilog at unti-unti kang nagiging mundo ko.” Magda-diet ka pa ba?

Prior to Obama’s inauguration, all Iraqi women shaved their pubic hair and went to a rally with placards saying: “READ OUR LIPS… NO MORE BUSH!”

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital but didn’t make it.
She gave birth at the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, “Delivery Room Fee: P10,000.”
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, a corrected bill came: “Green Fee: P1,000″

A fellow picked up a girl and took her to his apartment. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they undressed, climbed into bed and got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing and said, “Your ORGAN. It’s a bit on the small side.” Hurt, he replied, “It’s not used to playing in CATHEDRALS.”

A man’s seat at a theater is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher 5 pesos.
The usher leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

Driving on hiway, a couple helped an injured skunk.
WIFE: The poor thing is shivering!
HUSBAND: Keep it warm between your legs.
WIFE: What about the smell?
HUSBAND: Cover its nose!

#1: “Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church.”
#2: “Did you give it back?”
#1: “Not yet. I’m still trying to decide if it’s a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer.”:-)

Juan nakatabi sa 1 ka car na naka wrong parking. Dumating ang Pulis.
JUAN: Sir, pasensya na po! (Pulis issue tiket at nilagay sa windshield). Bobo kang pulis! (Pulis issue 2nd tiket). Tanga kang pulis! (Pulis issue 3rd tiket. Naka 10 tiket na after 5 minutes).
JUAN: O cge sir, nandito na yata yong ownerng kotse. Sakay na ako ng jeepney.
PULIS: Tang-ina, naisahan ako…
PRRIIITTTT!!!!!