"SMS Jokes"

Man is having a drink at a bar when a gorgeous woman walks in. Man, not being too shy, sits next to her. He buys her a drink, then another and then another. After this and the small talk, man asks her back to his place for a good time.
Lady: Look, what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!
Man: OK, so how many does it takes?

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,”I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
“Thank God,” said an elderly nun in the back. “I’m so tired of Chardonnay and Merlot.”

Fairy Godmother: Cinderella, you better be home by midnight or else your pussy will turn into a pumpkin!”
Cinderella returns at 4am with a big _ & a _ on her face. She tells her godmother: “Guess who I met last night, Peter the pumpkin eater.”

2 things remain consistent through the years:
The ON & OFF Phenomenon.
GF puts on her lipstick & BF wipes it off.
GF puts on her panty & BF takes it off!

DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and flourescent light strips across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over blaackward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

Batay Sa Kanilang Sagot:
Juan: Dok, bakit po bago nyo gamutin ang pasyente, tinatanong nyo kung ano ang kinakain nila at kung saan restoram kumain?
Doktor: Magandang tanong yan, alam mo, sa kanilang sagot ko ibabatay ang aking professional fee.

GMA: Filipinos are ungrateful. Galit sila sa akin. Kahit anong pagsisikap at kabutihan ang gawin ko. They love Cory Aquino & Susan Roces more, na mga wala namang ginawa.
Ermita: I’m sure kung magagaya mo sina Cory & Susan, all your problems will be solved.
GMA: Ano ang gagayahin ko sa kanila?
Ermita: Maging BIYUDA ka lang, mam, tapos lahat ang iyong problema!!!

Just a thought:

babaha pa kaya kung beer ang ulan?

TEACHER: Who can spell the word STRAIGHT?
ERAP: Ako, Mam! S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T.
TEACHER: Good! Do you know what it means?
ERAP: Kampai! As in bottoms up po!
TEACHER: Sira ulo! Lassengo!

A Greek and Italian were debating on who had the superior culture.
Greek: We have the Parthenon.
Italian: We have the Colosseum.
Greek: We had great mathematicians.
Italian: We had the Roman Empire.
The debate went back and forth till the Greek says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

You can be a doctor and save lives…
A lawyer and defend lives…
A soldier and protect lives…
Or simply be yourself…
Horny and create lives..

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, ”Give me your money.”Man shocked by the sudden attack, blurted, “You can’t do this, I’m a congressman!” The thief said ‘in that case, give me my money!”

Ang pag-ibig ay puno ng hiwaga;
Masalimuot na di mo maitatuwa;
Bagay na di mabigyan ng unawa;
Habang panahon mananatiling himala.
Ngunit kaibigan, sa araw-araw na ginawa;
Ating pag-ukulan ng pansin at pagdama;
Ano ang hangad sa buhay na pinagpala;
Kun’di pag-ibig at lubos na pag-unawa.
Buhay natin ay walang mapapala
kung walang pagmamahal at pagkalinga
Ito’y ating isa-isip at isagawa.
Habang tumitigas ating Alaga, ihanap lagi Pepeng sariwa!

“hindi lahat ng natutulog nasa kama…“ - Ricky Hatton :)

“Huwag mo akong dungawin…Hindi ako bintana…“ - cleavage

Gay1: Oist bakla! Balita ko pinapasok ka daw ng gwapong lalaki na nakahubad sa kuwarto mo ah?
Gay2: Oo bakla, kaya nga tumakbo ako palabas, natakot ako eh! Kaw ano ang gagawin mo sa ganung sitwastyon?
Gay1: Tulad mo rin… Magsisinungaling!

A woman sitting on a park bench decided that, since no one else was around, she could stretch out her legs a while. Soon, a beggar walked up to her and said, “Hi ya, honey! How about a little kiss?” The woman snarled, “How dare you? I don’t even know you!!” The beggar replied, “I don’t know you either, but yet here you are… sitting on my bed!”

BOGS: Totoo bang na-hospital si Jun dahil sa swine flu?
BEN: Hindi totoo, pre! Na-hospital si Jun dahil sa WINE at FLUTAN!

LAS VEGAS UPDATE!

Nanay Dionisia gets marriage proposal from F. Mayweather Sr!

“Everytime, I see you, you take my heart away… and everytime, my heart grows back, you keep stealing it, leaving me alive but hurting…“ - puno ng saging, nageemote

A man was walking when a voice said, “Stop! Watch out!”, then a brick fell in front of him.
“Who are you?”
“Your guardian angel!”
“Oh yeah, where were you when I got married?”

Loi was playing cards when Erap called.
Erap asks, “What are you playing?”
Loi replies, “Solitaire.”
Erap said, “Talaga? Sino kalaro mo?”

Siksikan sa MRT…

Sexy: Hoy bastos! Ikiskis mo kaya sa pader yang kargada mo at huwag sa puwetan ko!
Manong: Aba, miss! Suweldo ko yang nakabukol sa pantalon ko noh!
Sexy: Aba’y pambihira! Eh ilang beses kong naramdaman tumaas yang suweldo mo noh!

7 Stages Of Married couples’ sex lives:

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5. Try yoga
6. Try viagra
7. Try to remember

INA: ikaw na bata ka! Nagpunta ka nga ba sa gay bar?
ANAK: opo!
INA: ano ang nakita mo dun na di mo dapat makita?
ANAK: si itay po.. Ang landi! Tumitili pa!